I’ve been collecting a couple of annoyances and decided to get them off my chest and let YOU worry about them.
I know, I know, in the grand scheme of things, these really are petty, but great civilizations have fallen over petty things. A little known fact is that Napoleon really tried to take over the world because he bit his nails and was embarrassed so he hid his hand inside his coat, which made everyone mock him and then he felt like he had to retaliate, and the rest is, well, history.
Rome was really destroyed by rush hour traffic and the residents of Easter Island disappeared because they tore off the “do not remove under penalty of law” tags from their pillows while they were planning sacrifices at the foot of the giant heads. Okay, that makes absolutely no sense, the heads didn’t have feet.
The point is, it’s the little things that ruin us. When big things happen to us–actual tragedy, illness or chaos–we rise to the occasion. We lift our chins and refuse to give in, giving a great big finger to a society that thinks it can beat us down. But the little things. It’s like being eaten live, bite by bite, by weasels. At first you think, “oh, it’s just one weasel, what harm can it do,” and before you know it, you are missing your legs below your knees.
This time, the things that will destroy society are—small portions. They are getting smaller. Hold on, I know you’re saying, “No way, portions are getting BIGGER, not smaller. You have it backwards.” And yes, it’s true that everything is super-sized when it comes to restaurants and pre-packaged food but you know why? We are compensating.
Graham crackers. I just bought an actual brand-name box as opposed to to the generics. I was in a hurry at the time and didn’t notice until I went to put them away. The box was smaller.
I’m a little slow on the uptake and it still didn’t entirely register until I opened the box. In the past, there were usually 4 wrapped containers in the box–this one had three and a couple of inches of air. The actual graham cracker rectangles themselves were smaller and had very wimpy perforations. Those perforations are key to the actual performance of the graham cracker. They need to easily snap into perfect rectangles, facilitating the creation of smore’s, peanut butter crackers, or little grahammy goodies to dip into an ice cold glass of milk. These perforations were useless. They refused to break along the lines and made it impossible to create graham crackers with peanut butter. The lack of even breakage hindered smore’s and made insertion into the skinny glass of milk, all but impossible.
Don’t you understand what this means to society? There are certain rights of passage that every one experiences as children that marks them. Mine was sitting with my grandfather, dipping the crackers into my milk. I remember crowding around the campfire with other Brownies, as we tried to get the perfect toast on our marshmallows before squishing them between the squares of graham. Now this could not happen.
The Baby tried to put her irregularly trapezoid-shaped cracker into her cup but it couldn’t fit. I could see her frustration.
If the little things no longer make sense in our world, then how can we find order with the big things. Keebler is short changing us–what is next?
Spaghetti. That’s right. Spaghetti was next. For the last 15 or so years, I’ve had a spaghetti jar on my counter–you know–the tall, skinny glass container with the rubber ring so that the spaghetti stays fresh. Empty, it holds at least two boxes of spaghetti. I’ve learned that I can feed my family approximately 6 times before I have to refill the jar. Until last week. I dropped the spaghetti into the jar and…there was a lot of room left. At the top. The spaghetti is getting shorter. I also was able to get more than two boxes in the jar–probably three. Can they make spaghetti skinnier? Is there a required thickness and width? Well there should be. Otherwise spaghetti is going to try and start passing itself off as angel hair pasta and then what’s angel hair going to do–it isn’t like there’s anything skinnier out there that it can pretend to be. Soon angel hair will become extinct as spaghetti takes over. And don’t try to tell me to just move up to linguini, because, like the spaghetti, it too will get skinnier. Linguini is FLAT, not round and round is what spaghetti is supposed to be.
Subconsciously, we are retaliating against small spaghetti and graham crackers but purchasing larger portions in restaurant. And restaurants are both making portions bigger and smaller at the same time. Say what? You say. Think about it. When was the last time you were able to order a “small” anything. First off, in order to hide the true size, everyone is making up fake sizes like grande and venti, tall and short. Hint here–if the word has an ® next to it–IT ISN’T a real word! I love walking into certain stores and asking for a “small” coffee. They try to suggest a short or venti but I won’t bite. ‘I want a small.” Target has medium, large and extra-large. That isn’t possible. If there are “X” number of sizes available, then the least quantity of X is small while the greatest quantity of X is large. I’ll even give you an extra-large if you want–but the littlest size is neither a ‘regular’ or a “medium.” It’s a small.
I think they are trying to get rid of the “small” size because none of us are anymore. I’m going to walk into to a Target with my venti® sized coffee and Frisbee® sized single-portion bagel and slip on a pair of “medium” pants. Speaking of pants sizes–there are some that shouldn’t come in anything BUT a small. Usually, a good rule of thumb is anything that contains lycra or spandex. If you can’t fit into that size (correctly), you shouldn’t be buying it. And don’t go running off to Chico’s to compensate. Just because they’ve TOTALLY done away with “real” sizes and a normal size 12 woman can go in there and buy a size 2 DOESN”T mean she really is a size 2.
Actually, even if you do look like the model on the left, you still shouldn’t wear the pants in public because somebody (me) who looks like the person on the right, will trip you and pretend that it was an accident. It isn’t.
I’m not saying this to be mean. I’m saying this to protect you. Otherwise, you are likely to end up here.
People of Walmart. There are camera phone out there. Are you LOOKING in a mirror before you leave the house?